Songs from Childhood

Take the 605 to you know where! _____! _____! Cerritos Auto Square!

No you won't get a lemon, at Toyota of ______.

Reunited and it feels like crap.

Just last week I waited in line at the mall to get a sheet of the 5x7s featuring me, sitting meekly on the Easter Bunny's lap, a nervous smile on my face--just like the good old days when I was 5. The Easter themed display was a bold one that took up the entire east wing of the mall. I was impressed; it felt like the real thing, like I was actually on the Easter Islands for the first time in my life. There were like giant eggs all over the place! They were like wild trees growing all uncontrollably and stuff. At one point, I got scared, remembering velociraptors, afraid they would hatch on this island on which I was currently stranded. I got so desperate that I lit up a cigarette to send smoke signals into the air. For that, I almost got kicked out of line, and that's when I remembered I wasn't stranded on no island! I was about to reunite with the Easter Bunny. So it was quite disappointing when I finally came face to face with him, because he didn't remember me from back in the day. I kept asking him, "Remember me?" He just nodded and smiled nervously. There was all this tension in our encounter, because the costume job didn't recognize me and wanted to play it off like he did. I felt all weird when I left. I didn't like that.

Make me over!

It's time to shop for a new face. I want a cheetah face so I could model and sell Cheetos.

Story: Climbing my way to knowledge.

Today I fancied apple trees and pearl necklaces. I wore three pearl necklaces, while carving my lover's name into an apple tree. The tree began to cry, begging me to stop. It said, "Stop! Please stop and eat an apple." I climbed up the tree to search for the prettiest, shiniest apple in the giant green crown, and the tree swallowed me in its enormity. Just kidding. Trees don't have digestive systems. But the apple monkey does, and it swallowed me as I reached for the prettiest, shiniest apple near the top. The apple monkey thinks it's hot shit with my pearls around its neck. Meanwhile, the apple tree is scarred with my lover's name, yet the monkey can't read. I hope you never forget this important lesson, my dear children.

Ovaltine is old-fashioned.

So what milk-based hot beverage is considered cool these days? Lattes? Let me tell you what I think about your pansy-ass, lilac-flavored, twinkle-toes-tulip-topped 2% lattes: I think they're too expensive. Why, my fellow Americans, my barista-loving bastards, do you keep handing over $4.95 for a cup of watered-down milk when it doesn't have half the vitamins and minerals found in Ovaltine? Ovaltine makes you strong enough to knock out a Starbucks customer on the way to the office.