tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78417342011-07-08T06:58:45.233-07:00And safety comes first.Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.comBlogger2381100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-68107628738581087162010-05-31T11:10:00.001-07:002010-06-07T23:46:04.487-07:00

I was sitting in traffic on the national highway administered by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration when I thought of their ubiquitous "Click It or Ticket" campaign slogan. Its double-syllabic rhymes nuzzle into your memory, a likable song, a smiley poem, knocked out at once like a burly slap on the back to welcome you to this no-fucking-around campaign of swift penalty.That I

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-13903639563029100482010-05-31T09:33:00.000-07:002010-05-31T09:35:27.593-07:00

Never mind the time when a tornado separated me from the Franz Ferdinand guy. How about the time when Barry Manilow gave me the eye?

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-6492731801085178562010-05-21T15:24:00.000-07:002010-05-30T16:36:09.194-07:00

"Are you going for the 'designer torn jeans' look?," commented the IT guy."Of course," I said."I ripped a pair of jeans on a computer once and-""Did you instantly feel cooler?"YES--turn to next page for a miracle.NO--turn to page 7 for more IT conversations that go nowhere.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-74171088459018714072010-05-03T18:38:00.000-07:002010-05-03T19:34:12.439-07:00

The results of the workplace MBTI are in! I work with a bunch of Feelers! Sympathetic, agreeable for the sake of harmony, tolerant, means-oriented--you know, the folks who think we have all year to consider everyone's feelings while walking hand-in-hand on the Yellow Brick Road to Getting Shit Done.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-8586339082732137162009-09-17T23:54:00.000-07:002009-09-18T00:30:30.587-07:00

Finally, everyone has left the blog scene.Finally, some peace and quiet.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-12715020455365526582009-07-22T20:52:00.001-07:002009-07-22T22:32:14.994-07:00

I just learned from a fellow in HR that I am to assume the responsibility of putting on a large benefit event, a task that falls under the "other duties as assigned when your co-worker quits and administration wastes no time to implement a hiring freeze" section of my job description. Although I have some reservations about my long term ability to deal with people--that is, people and their

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-46937783870686070372009-07-21T11:55:00.000-07:002009-07-21T11:56:17.404-07:00

http://www.vanityfair.com/politics/features/2009/07/palin-speech-edit-200907

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-5321708163662744202009-07-20T09:47:00.000-07:002009-07-20T09:56:11.644-07:00

What happens when you write a 24-page annual report and the people responsible for approving it take months and months to do it, therefore rendering the financial statistics obsolete? You call it a newsletter! You use all your power to ignore the professional stock photos, booklet format, comprehensive information, and the total absence of news articles, and you call it a newsletter, damn it!

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-69345512390056497942009-07-14T22:14:00.001-07:002009-07-14T22:39:49.153-07:00

Let me tell you about this hip new thing I discovered on the Information Superhighway: Facebook. I finally put two and two together and realized that this was the thing everyone was talking about: keeping in touch with family members so you can spend even MORE time tolerating people you don't want to know that much about; gossiping about co-workers who've befriended you not at work, not in your

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-4219518252636647782009-07-04T09:03:00.000-07:002009-07-04T09:32:40.379-07:00

In one month and one day, I could say, "Five years ago today, I started this blog, and have I confused you with all of those time references one month and one day ago when I mentioned the then yet-to-have-occurred five-year anniversary?" And you will hang on now, reading for the prize at the end of the post: a statement of wit, wisdom, weirdness, and, you know, alliteration.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-78989402347896175962009-04-12T13:33:00.001-07:002009-04-12T14:00:03.030-07:00

I've been on and off the softball field for about 14 years now. My greatest and only fear to this day is getting hit in the face by a savage ground ball, whose sudden rejection of course leaves my surprise a much delayed reaction. Oh cra-!(Hello again. I can't get into the Twitter thing.)

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-38159000918362856092008-12-31T13:25:00.000-08:002008-12-31T13:27:30.234-08:00

http://quotation-marks.blogspot.com/

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-68099205477255261282008-11-04T16:58:00.001-08:002008-11-04T16:58:40.453-08:00

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-38949061457743975762008-10-29T11:12:00.000-07:002008-10-29T11:13:04.680-07:00

I was thinking for Halloween I’d just be myself. What do you think? Too boring? At least I won’t look like a cheap costume for Halloween. At least I won’t be screaming, “Hey, I shopped at the makeshift Halloween Costume Depot with the rest of the loser adults who want to look either clever or theatrically slutty on Friday!” I’m going to be myself for Halloween. I’m going to be a

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-90146119241688857472008-10-07T14:41:00.000-07:002008-10-07T14:44:16.766-07:00

After several years of dismissing Internet-based social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace, calling them petri dishes for the social bacteria of high school and college cultures, Sylvia signed up for an account on Facebook, inspired only by her younger brother's tasteless, yet hilarious urinal photograph. In just days, Sylvia accepted 20 "friendships" from people she stopped talking to

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-50375046156030630542008-09-19T11:16:00.000-07:002008-09-19T11:44:08.853-07:00

Earlier this week I flew to Seattle in search of "Gayway" (see pictured). A place that promised gayness and bold use of lighting couldn't have been more welcomed after a tumultuous week at work. I walked around all afternoon, asking if Gayway was anywhere near the Space Needle. Finally, someone was nice enough to inform me that Gayway was a thing of the past, specifically of the 1962 Seattle's

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-29496056842100834822008-08-13T16:56:00.000-07:002008-08-13T17:10:46.076-07:00

Disappointed about the dog adoption thing, I turned my attention to ponies. I found this guy on the web, much the way I found Harley. In fact, his butterscotch and cream fur reminds me a bit of Harley. Ponies aren't therapeutic after all. P.S. I think that little girl is too big for the pony.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-43494046558866573802008-08-13T13:48:00.001-07:002008-08-13T16:54:16.637-07:00

Harley was not in his kennel today. A family with three kids took him home with them this morning to have a Harley-happy life.Hmph! Did I mention they also adopted a puppy? Dog hoarders.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-6650719893474714662008-07-29T12:57:00.001-07:002008-07-29T13:28:45.896-07:00

What, me? Panic? I continued to leave my voice message, continued to sound professional, despite the earthquake's steadfast attempt to rattle me. A magnitude 5.4 quake hit the Los Angeles area just before noon today. Though I recognized the natural hazard immediately, my reaction was a delayed and nonchalant one--one that would bring shame to those who spent so much time ensuring my earthquake

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-46112950748228482702008-06-16T16:40:00.000-07:002010-06-05T15:58:28.394-07:00

When I was a kid, I knew another kid who peeled dried glue off his fingers and kept the scraps in a stolen interoffice envelope that said "Property of Robert Elementary School".I also knew a girl who didn't know what Single File Line meant.I knew a kid who stole caterpillars from the classroom science station and tried to grow 'em in his own room. When they died, he returned them to the classroom

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-58191938120340794362008-05-14T09:02:00.000-07:002010-06-05T15:59:15.130-07:00

Happy Birthday to me. This year, no cake--only a freshly ironed shirt. I had to do the ironing myself last night when I could have been baking a celebratory cake. Goddamn, do I have to do everything around here?

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-70118560228357616222008-04-16T14:04:00.000-07:002008-04-16T14:52:40.260-07:00

The South Pasadena Downtown Revitalization Project website still features a fine black & white photo of the historic Rialto Theater, but the restoration of the endangered building, which closed last summer after nearly 82 years of business, has been eliminated from the final redevelopment plan. Where have the funds been redirected? What has happened to the preservation ethic this town is known

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-71896511114999960042008-04-15T17:44:00.000-07:002008-12-09T13:15:13.348-08:00

The new campaign for poetry awareness, "Woo or Woe on the Go", must be one of the most admirable initiatives I've seen in years (screw you, helpless pandas and illiterate children). Mobile poetry addresses the serious, but nonexistent problem of poetry's loss of popularity through the decades due to its tragic inaccessibility and inconvenience in modern life. "Woo or Woe on the Go" makes the

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-64108282429830175092008-04-11T13:30:00.000-07:002010-06-07T23:18:16.240-07:00

Read this embarrassingly sycophantic message, stinking of corporate weenie fake-cool, which I extracted from the website of new Los Angeles radio station The Sound:The Sound MissionFirst off, welcome to The Sound. We're glad you found us and that you're interested enough to find and read this page; it shows you're like us and music is important to you. While you've probably already heard us and

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-50177988253216743942008-04-04T17:08:00.000-07:002008-04-04T17:11:42.280-07:00

I've got a1. Joy2. Joy3. Joy4. Joydown in my heart, because that's what they told me to sing at church.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-88632565236609944032008-03-09T21:10:00.000-07:002008-03-09T22:02:12.575-07:00

Before heading to class last week, I remembered to stop at the bookstore to pick up a copy of the school's creative writing publication, which features the winners of last year's writing contest. A friend from last year's creative writing class asked me if I received a rejection email from the judging committee (we were all required to submit a story for the contest). I said no, I didn't get a

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-28420521421429690972008-02-28T09:29:00.001-08:002008-02-28T11:08:33.432-08:00

This morning a new feeling woke with me. It was Inspiration, for it stung my heart and raced through my veins (leaving, oddly, my brain completely unaffected).Inspiration told me to start writing: Hell, Sylvia, start with children, the bottom of the totem pole, if you need to. Just start writing! For a moment I disagreed with its suggestion that chidren were easy to write for, but I urged myself

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-10570138195604758572008-02-24T10:15:00.001-08:002008-12-09T13:15:13.633-08:00

For years, I wanted to be a photojournalist. Writing is overrated. A picture is worth a thousand words, they say.They? Who's they?Pipe down. I'm trying to paint a picture.Painting? I thought you were a photographer.I'm not a photographer...yet. I said I would like to be a photographer. Stop interrupting.Do you even own a camera?No, but I have friends who have cameras.That doesn't show

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-19388620315773972352008-02-10T11:39:00.001-08:002008-02-11T12:36:52.027-08:00

During the wintry months in December and January, I was trapped under a foot of snow, rendered immobile and unable to post anything on this blog. A foot of snow, and I survived, I survived!, I shouted at the other Angelenos driving along the Angeles Crest Highway.Those days I spent paralyzed in the snow-lined embankment, I thought of you only, my faithful readers, wondering if I'd ever return to

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-59442336358588520442008-02-01T15:47:00.000-08:002008-12-09T13:15:13.713-08:00

Finally, a perk. The one other Chinese staff member in the office gave me a box of Ferrero Rocher (which has become the Chinese New Year tradition among Chinese, at least in L.A. County). I'm so glad for this new tradition because authentic Chinese New Year candy quite sucks. See the cough drop correllation pictured.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-17193804650888898062007-11-30T12:06:00.000-08:002007-11-30T12:08:24.103-08:00

Mediocrity is Safe now features a refreshing modern look, delivering the same mediocre content you’ve come to expect. Notice the addition of “A Few of my Favorite Things” in the right column and navigate with relative order the disorder of my brain. Yes, that’s right: the disorder of my brain!Now that the blog/brain correlation has been made known, any reader might ask why a person like

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-43632542482778923222007-11-27T13:31:00.000-08:002008-12-09T13:15:13.983-08:00

A little research on eHow.com lead me to this nifty tip: I use plastic forks inserted upside down into the dirt around my flowers. It stops the cats walking through the flowers because the little fork prongs jab their paws.Little plastic fork prongs, eh? I prefer gentle explosives myself.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-2067649384531299922007-11-08T18:42:00.000-08:002008-12-09T13:15:14.189-08:00

Thank you, Winona Public Library (now with wireless Internet access!!), for choosing my pumpkin-carving idea submission! (Also see pumpkin cousin 2,000 miles away in California.)

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-34234970575914500152007-10-27T10:34:00.000-07:002007-10-27T11:07:31.407-07:00

Last night I was once again an Outsider. Back at home in the Los Angeles area, you couldn't miss the four Apple logo stickers on my vehicle, but here I was in Minneapolis, driving my rental car by an Apple store packed with celebratory Apple folk who had put on nice shoes and glossed their locks with organic salon product in order to say, "Yeah, I was there at the Leopard OS release party in

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-23449274015082572882007-10-01T19:27:00.001-07:002007-10-03T10:17:45.502-07:00

Visit About to Snap this month for photo updates on my carefree adventures on the East Coast and in the Midwest.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-52489235123079968192007-09-07T14:02:00.000-07:002008-12-09T13:15:14.230-08:00

Read more about the strike from an AFSCME worker: http://www.cheek.blogspot.com/

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-75728793000682044022007-09-07T13:53:00.000-07:002007-09-07T14:00:33.109-07:00

From discussion pages of TwinCities.com:I'm a little confused. If the head of a company I worked for budgeted a raise of3.25% for the employees as a cost of living increase, and my immediatesupervisor only gave me 2.5% I would be mad. I would also want to know where therest of the money was going. Since in the U workers case my taxes are paying forthis budgeted raise and the workers aren't

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-87654873962489443342007-08-22T15:28:00.000-07:002007-08-22T16:22:08.724-07:00

My friend Susan decided to have a birthday last week. I told her to have a happy birthday, but she knew I was lying because I'm the jealous type. It's not fair that she gets to have a birthday and I don't. To celebrate the lovely occasion, I went to the mall and got a really stylish dress and sent Susan digital pictures of me looking fabulous, hoping she would be jealous. She wrote back,

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-21765071242853489912007-08-21T14:50:00.000-07:002007-08-21T14:52:39.484-07:00

Mediocria Firma! (Thanks for contributing to Mediocrity, SSR!)

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-35375842635467216202007-08-21T13:59:00.000-07:002010-06-05T16:00:15.334-07:00

Wedged between volumes of Ramona books was the very first diary I ever kept, and I found it this weekend while digging through my old closet. Paging through those early days, I noted what weird and wobbly handwriting I had a penchant for, but I was only 7 or 8 years old, trying, with limited skill, to detail my life before details eventually became too mundane to record. For instance, I wrote

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-3960468751445770842007-08-21T13:55:00.000-07:002007-08-21T13:59:27.933-07:00

Knock, knock!Who's there?Sylvia!Sylvia?Sylvia, your daughter!What do you want?Didn't you ask me to come home and clean out the closet in my old bedroom?Oh, yeah, come in. But make it quick. Did the neighbors notice you? Where did you park? You still driving that thing? You're not staying for dinner, are you?

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-4057683658978480662007-08-17T15:30:00.001-07:002007-08-17T15:31:19.424-07:00

Fun article in the Wall Street Journal this week.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-89440951984766050642007-08-07T09:39:00.000-07:002007-08-07T10:00:14.218-07:00

Before my high school graduation, my classmate Angie, who had purchased a half-page "look at me and my friends so cute and loyal" ad in the yearbook, said to me, "You write poems, right, Sylvia? Would you write a poem about friendship and graduation for our ad?" I'd never before been commissioned to write a piece, and I was not going to let this opportunity slip through my prematurely

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-68176602682844571282007-05-14T08:56:00.000-07:002008-12-09T13:15:14.397-08:00

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-36637619418114272422007-04-30T21:12:00.000-07:002007-04-30T21:19:50.456-07:00

(Thanks, Mark.)"I'll probably never produce a masterpiece, but so what? I feel I have a Sound aborning, which is my own, and that Sound if erratic is still my greatest pride, because I would rather write like a dancer shaking my ass to boogaloo inside my head, and perhaps reach only readers who like to use books to shake their asses, than to be or write for the man cloistered in a closet

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-9495987346279147712007-03-18T14:24:00.000-07:002007-11-27T10:11:28.014-08:00

and I have nothing.http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/21RobertHinderliter.html

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-57311608320143218522007-03-06T22:18:00.000-08:002008-12-09T13:15:14.517-08:00

I can take or leave a lot of people, but boy did I love this dog. A week to make myself conscious of her absence, its permanence, I note the now deadened impulse to consider her in the ordinary context of my days.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-21411892020715410702007-02-23T21:05:00.000-08:002007-02-23T21:08:28.970-08:00

Patrick called me last night in the middle of the night where he was. He sounded pretty sober, even as he told me otherwise. I asked if he was about to tell me he loved me because it would be a pretty funny joke. Just then we both went silent. Moments later I realized the awkward silence was the direct result of my dead cell phone battery. The next day I thought it would be funny to send him

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-91808457568300255672007-02-19T20:59:00.000-08:002007-02-19T21:30:29.246-08:00

Really, no need to thank me for the amusement you get out of this blog. You'll notice I can go a long time without writing anything amusing. When you're amused, I'm probably unhappy, in between jobs, misguided in life (again). When you're not amused, I'm still unhappy, between jobs, and misguided, but I keep posting so as to declare, "I'm enjoying life, I am! I'm enjoying life just enough to

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-89016528073814451152007-02-18T18:44:00.000-08:002008-12-09T13:15:14.750-08:00

Watch this.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-91084060229991214092007-02-17T22:12:00.000-08:002008-12-09T13:15:14.946-08:00

There was, at one of the largest research institutions in North America, an academic library that dangled decrepit elevators in rotting shafts. The top floor housed me and a bunch of old books and maps and a coffee maker whose on/off switch a co-worker of mine claimed she was too weak to traverse a reading room to turn on, therefore causing both of us to settle bitterly for bitter Folgers

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-34290597250686648762007-02-17T21:02:00.000-08:002007-02-17T23:21:01.514-08:00

When the waitress told me I could sit at any table I wanted, I chose the one farthest away from the one with the most children. As I scanned over the menu, I became sad. I noticed that my favorite entree--Tastee Liver N' Chips Platter, Piggy Eater Sized--was discontinued after a mere 2 month appearance on the menu. But I also became sad because I knew that no matter what I did in life, there

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-73596438907641728562007-02-14T19:02:00.000-08:002007-11-27T10:50:29.556-08:00

I shrieked when I opened up the envelope you set on my adjustable office chair with the stained lumbar support. I wish you would have given me the entire perforated sheet of Leonardo DiCapprio valentine cards, but I can't be so greedy. I get greedy only when it comes to you. My name's Sylvia, not Slyvia, but you lost only a few minor points from that. Can you get me a job at the student ID

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-21643924598470093722007-02-14T18:45:00.000-08:002007-11-27T10:11:46.282-08:00

Last night I dreamt of tiny white tailed deer that sprouted from the ground. My dog, the brave husky, pounced on them. I got nervous. I almost barfed. Actually, I did, and all the deer scattered. My dog turned into a deer and ran off as well. I am the lonely barfer with nothing to write about today.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-60852431989988002042007-02-04T19:55:00.000-08:002007-02-04T20:27:32.965-08:00

My dog tapped me on the shoulder to wake me this morning, alerting me to her desire to piss in the leafy ground covering that separates my apartment complex from my neighbors'. I got out of bed and my dog led me to the back door. She escaped outside on a short leash, looking for a spot to piss on. I stayed behind. I was unfit for public presentation and half awake. Someone said hi to me, I

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1169445478996408652007-01-21T21:36:00.000-08:002007-01-21T21:57:59.013-08:00

The titles for my last two posts are so desperate sounding. Those exclamation marks, they're so telling! Not only am I without emotion, but I am without wit. I rely on exclamation marks to feign feeling, which, upon this third offense, makes me a feigner of feeling. It's like when you're at a poetry reading and some acclaimed somebody is reading a lot of her poetic words--more than she needs

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1169444112532586682007-01-21T21:12:00.000-08:002007-01-21T21:35:12.546-08:00

This season of American Idol kicked off with the Minneapolis auditions (whazzzzup, Minneapoluss!) to show the world that that part of the country is only successful at breeding Red Bull and Vodka drinking Saturn drivers and HOT vegan burger flippin' hippies. Take for instance Jewel Minor from Cottage Grove who thought talent by osmosis was really possible. I think she needed to sneeze.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1169084344852207912007-01-17T17:35:00.000-08:002007-01-17T17:39:52.733-08:00

I, for one, won't be discouraged by one-star reviews on Amazon dot com! Then again, I may receive them posthumously, and I'd be okay with that, I guess.(Thanks to L.N. for the link.)

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1168454954702193972007-01-10T10:41:00.000-08:002007-01-10T10:49:14.716-08:00

Visit me here today: Time (Mason, Waters, Wright, Gilmour) Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way. Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town Waiting for someone or something to show you the way. Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain. You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today. And

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1167883163170914262007-01-03T19:41:00.000-08:002007-01-03T19:59:23.186-08:00

My last post revealed a very angry side of me: Angry Sylvia. Angry Sylvia doesn't want to die during her daily commute because that would be going out with a whimper (totally weak!). Angry Sylvia does not want to be the reason traffic builds up when people slow down to look at accidents. Angry Sylvia is starting a petition to get this Toonces into prison.Sylvia

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1167881771822660542007-01-03T19:18:00.000-08:002007-11-27T10:50:29.556-08:00

To the person who cut me off and slammed on her brake to make a U-turn ALL IN SAME SPLIT SECOND on Jefferson Blvd. at 4:35pm today, please meet me for lunch at the S&W Diner in Culver City tomorrow so we can maybe spot a celebrity while sharing a patty melt and milkshake. I can make a few lighthearted jokes, flag down the waitress to refill your Coca-Cola, and ask you if you'd like to order a

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1167880648040793492007-01-03T19:08:00.000-08:002007-01-03T19:17:28.073-08:00

I tapped this dude on the shoulder with my cigarette and told him I wanted to fight. We were in front of the ATM. He was ahead of me in line, waiting for some other dude to get his cash and split. Instead of agreeing to fight me, he asked me to stay where I was and said he'd be quick when it was his turn at the ATM. I said, "Look, man, I don't care about that. I want to fight you." He was

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1167765997642615692007-01-02T11:19:00.000-08:002007-01-02T11:26:37.663-08:00

Thank you, friend who expressed appreciation for me with attempt at lovely poetry:So I came up with parody lyrics for you to Fergalicious (it's totally stuckin my head and completely over-played on my iPodnow...)OriginalI'm FergaliciousBut, I ain'tpromiscuousNewI'm SylviliciousBut, I ain't alesbianOriginalBaby baby babyIf you really want meBabyhave some patienceMaybe then you'll have a tasteI'll

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1167764087543207962007-01-02T10:52:00.000-08:002007-11-27T09:52:53.364-08:00

Everything depends upon whiteor wheat bread, waitingto be buttered on your cold restaurant dish.Red wheelbarrow! Red wheelbarrow!(There. My moronic moment of the morning.)

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1167763563257756492007-01-02T10:32:00.000-08:002007-01-02T10:47:26.693-08:00

When a group of words get together for one big mindless party, you get something called "More than a Feeling" by Boston. I have to apologize for this one, friends. I was overconfidently ambitious when I announced I was going to produce another one of my insightful "English Major" essays on these lyrics. Therefore, I invite my intelligent readers to offer some of their insight into this

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1167450002443244402006-12-29T19:14:00.000-08:002006-12-29T19:40:02.460-08:00

My buddies and I test drove the Mazda concept car, the Nagare, which in Japanese means "flow". It looked like a shoe horn, but hell it moved fast--like a shoe. As you can see, we took it for a spin on the planet Venus, where it's hot like a sauna. I thought my buddy was going to boil out there, but we turned on the a/c, which mercifully responded right away. The heated seats were not used at

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1167447866551291472006-12-29T18:45:00.000-08:002006-12-29T19:07:30.033-08:00

I am clinging to the underside of a gigantic autumnal leaf, and insects don't exist, so I don't have to worry about being eaten by one or--worse yet--having to eat one myself. I stay out of palm trees--the wild parrot community still hasn't decided whether the trees should serve as playgrounds or toilets. The parrots send me a lot of e-vites for their arbitrary parties: "Gathering at 2:48pm at

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1167350763293465482006-12-28T15:54:00.000-08:002007-11-27T13:50:47.178-08:00

Next to my desk are windows I never open. Fresh air...it's not like oxygen is going to make my job any better.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1166654832375625102006-12-20T14:45:00.000-08:002006-12-20T14:47:36.950-08:00

More than a FeelingI looked out this morning and the sun was goneTurned on some music to start my dayI lost myself in a familiar songI closed my eyes and I slipped awayIt's more than a feeling (more than a feeling)When I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)'till I see Marianne walk awayI see my Marianne walkin' awaySo many people have

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1166638073967462222006-12-20T09:59:00.000-08:002006-12-20T10:12:18.923-08:00

I've already blasphemed with that title. God help me. Damn it, my fuckin' uncontrollable mouth. Don't be sending me bars of soap for Christmas. Funny joke. I won't laugh, and neither will you when I whack you across the head with it, provided it's the kind with the rope attached. Speaking of attachments, please quit forwarding shit to my email box. I don't really want to look at pictures of

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1166226767348044632006-12-15T15:51:00.000-08:002007-11-27T09:52:53.364-08:00

I told him I used to stare down bottles of ketchup in trailers with Axl Rose sitting across from my hashbrowns and eggs.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1165895355558995142006-12-11T19:39:00.000-08:002007-11-27T09:52:29.521-08:00

Hey readers, what are your favorite Christmas songs? Although I am fond of the Bing Crosby-delivered classics, I must say I am particularly fond of the more contemporary holiday tunes, especially the ones where Christina Aguilera oversings songs like Silent Night and God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen. She is my favorite Christmastime oversinger.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1165894636605238412006-12-11T19:00:00.000-08:002007-11-27T10:50:29.557-08:00

When I think back on our recent office Christmas party, I am reminded of the time I received a hole in the head and oh the joy it brought me! The vision of my usually unsociable co-workers chatting beside the Panasonic copier reminds me that it takes nothing more than a good attitude to achieve this mindblowing level of jubilation. Party on, my comrades whose job categories are separate from mine

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1165890699547956912006-12-11T18:31:00.000-08:002006-12-11T18:32:18.603-08:00

The year was 1987, and I was rockin' around the Christmas tree when I tripped on the extension cord and fell on my hip, flattening some very nicely-wrapped gifts. I blamed it on the cat, though—poor Herbert can be so clumsy. My brothers were so upset to unwrap their brand new dismembered action figures that they cast the useless toys into the fireplace, screaming Herbert's name with tears in

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1164820889791057702006-11-29T09:19:00.000-08:002006-11-29T09:21:29.806-08:00

This year I was not invited back for Christmas tree decorating at the home of a longtime acquaintance. Last year it was all light stringing and glass ornaments in Redondo Beach. Bows were also used to decorate the tree. I was thanked for my efforts. It went a little something like this: "GEE, THANKS FOR JUST TOSSING THE BOWS AT THE TREE AND HOPING THEY'D STICK." I have to admit, I had become

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1164818533455499922006-11-29T08:39:00.000-08:002006-11-29T09:30:14.036-08:00

Carmen De BohemeSinuously winding through the roomOn smokey tongues of sweetened cigarettes, --Plaintive yet proud the cello tones resumeThe andante of smooth hopes and lost regrets.Bright peacocks drink from flame-pots by the wall,Just as absinthe-sipping women shiver throughWith shimmering blue from the bowl in Circe's hall.Their brown eyes blacken, and the blue drop hue.The andante quivers

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1164591799793120382006-11-26T17:24:00.000-08:002006-11-26T17:43:40.230-08:00

Obviously, the term "ergonomic" wasn't a very important one in the 80's when the Atari joystick permanently damaged the joints in my hand. Look, I don't really want to talk about it okay? It was a wonderful Christmas surprise, and Moon Patrol was terrific, but all joy was lost the morning I couldn't hold a spoonful of the de-fuckin'-licious Pac Man cereal to my mouth due to the overuse of my

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1164243129394840632006-11-22T16:41:00.000-08:002007-11-27T10:50:29.557-08:00

Great balls of fire. We're going to have a raffle at the company Christmas party. Gee, I wonder what we're going to win. Perhaps a free pass to get out of next year's party. Oh. Oh. Maybe even just a free pass to sit with people I'd actually recognize from work. Hey, maybe we'll be able to upgrade our company logo mugs and plastic tumblers for better middle management. Now we're really

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1163993340375916422006-11-19T19:05:00.000-08:002007-11-27T10:06:53.958-08:00

Hear the children clanging their china and silverware. In five minutes I will have to tell them to keep quiet. The naughty ones won't obey because, of course, I am not their parent, and, also, because I failed to tell them about the Noise Control Unicorn waiting to be released from the pantry to stab naughty kids in one eye (right or left, your pick) with, what else, its uni horn. I have to

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1163534370320308862006-11-14T11:44:00.000-08:002006-11-14T12:05:28.573-08:00

Several people were asking about me yesterday when I was absent from work.I was sick at home--where did you think I was? Shopping at my local grocery store for steel cut oats to feed my new pony at my ranch nine hours away in Arizona? Uh, no, my pony does not have a name because there is no pony! Ponies only exist in science fiction. And Arizona's not real either.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1163289842216538792006-11-11T15:13:00.000-08:002006-11-11T16:06:12.266-08:00

I waited too long, and now I have no stories about working with fools. I came to understand that these people I work with are not fools. They are not even foolish. They are simply passive aggressive people and can be found eating lunch among us, the sane. I study them at lunch. And when I have no other choice but to share the same table with them, I make small talk. Fill inthe facial

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1159282773437605252006-09-26T07:59:00.000-07:002006-09-26T08:10:12.320-07:00

I Work With Fools Dot Com(my stories to be published later)

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1158125713536471112006-09-12T22:31:00.000-07:002010-06-01T21:37:18.643-07:00

Thanks to the Write Source, my creative juices flow like mad rhymes! I am now writing at the Grades 4-5 level:A special secret place: Last year when I was still in the 3rd grade, none of the kids believed that trolls lived down by the creek behind my house. The kids came over to prove me wrong. On the way home, I showed them the scratches on my arm, proving to them that the nasty trolls were

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1158119305647139592006-09-12T20:25:00.000-07:002007-11-27T10:50:29.557-08:00

I'm standing in one of the aisles at Trader Joe's over my lunch hour, trying to find a box of the exact kind of tea the receptionist gave me on Friday. That day, the kitchen was out of tea bags, so I thought she'd have one to spare. I was right, but as she handed me her very last tea bag at 4:13 in the afternoon, 47 minutes till the end of the work day, she said, "Will you bring me another tea

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1157845187111706612006-09-09T16:29:00.000-07:002006-09-09T16:42:51.860-07:00

Face it, biotches, you can't handle how cute she is. Yeah, she just signed a record deal and will be promoting the new line of junior fashion at Kohl's. She's also the new sponsor for Nutella because wha? Because she's wholesome. (Photo of some dog eating a biscuit out of some person's hand is provided by Sylvia.)

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1154895960611827022006-08-06T13:20:00.000-07:002010-06-01T21:37:36.618-07:00

Thanks to the Write Source website, my creative juices flow like spilled milk over which I will not cry because I am stoic! Allow me to test some of their Grade 2 topics: My new friend: I met my new friend Patty while we were washing our hands in the classroom sink with that hard grainy pink and white soap. I remarked at how disgusting her fingernails were and asked if she was accustomed to

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1154755209349411952006-08-04T22:09:00.000-07:002010-06-01T21:37:57.609-07:00

Thanks to the Write Source website, my creative juices flow like blood from a serious head injury! Allow me to test some of their Grade 1 topics:A special birthday: When I was seven I told my parents I wanted a pony for my birthday, but I'd never seen a pony in my life. I was a little girl with no originality: my classmates all wanted ponies, so I thought, What the hell, give me a pony. On the

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1153933735986811042006-07-26T10:07:00.000-07:002006-07-26T10:08:56.000-07:00

The photo blog has been updated.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1153804459475481022006-07-24T21:53:00.000-07:002006-07-25T16:31:33.696-07:00

Infants look like worm heads, magnified.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1153168573607270022006-07-17T13:34:00.000-07:002006-07-17T13:38:45.300-07:00

The usual over-the-top “How are YOU today?” greeting was hard to respond to this morning. I knew she had the power to fire me on the spot, but maybe that’s what I was asking for when I said, “Well, I ‘m sober. Let’s just settle for that this morning, huh?”She, now in tears, accused me of twisting her words around and veered unstably into her corner office.I sipped my coffee and waited for my next

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1152476276344550832006-07-09T13:10:00.000-07:002006-07-10T20:46:00.820-07:00

asked you to tie my sad and uncool shoes? told you I walked into the voting booth and was confused about how the hole punching stuff worked on my ballot so I just did whatever?eagerly took your business card so that I could finally complete my house o' cards?snobbishly remarked that the words "Rob Thomas" don't exist in my vocabulary?ate small children (especially the ones who don't run fast)?

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1152338446971788282006-07-07T21:21:00.000-07:002010-06-07T23:27:28.704-07:00

Oh shut up and read.I have two reasons for watching the show: One, the rockers. And two, it's all about the music, (if it wasn't also for the rockers). Combined, these elements form Rock Star: Supernova. Rock music is passion and not giving a damn about what other people say. Know it!Unfortunately, that sort of delusion bores me, and over half the contestants (the whiny Chris being the worst

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1152232005748123592006-07-06T17:25:00.000-07:002006-07-06T17:26:45.760-07:00

Shit, what was I going to do?

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1151092143324077402006-06-23T11:36:00.000-07:002006-06-23T12:49:03.400-07:00

Toddlers are everywhere. They've come from all over town to Toddler Storytime here at the public library this Friday morning. On my day off today, I learn that life is much more than my shit job, my shit attitude, and the people who share my same shit predicament. On my day off today, I learn that there are a hell of a lot of toddlers on this planet, and their lives are shittier than mine.I mean,

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1151037969265281902006-06-22T21:16:00.000-07:002010-06-07T23:29:01.246-07:00

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight, a man who broke my gaydar beyond repair is thinking of me and loving me tonight.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1150089868166395842006-06-11T21:44:00.000-07:002006-06-11T22:26:17.436-07:00

Other jobs I'm considering:BBQ restaurant meat maridader: While I brush sauce onto slabs of meat in the kitchen, I'll overhear customers go, "Golly gee willikers, this is a well marinaded piece of meat!," and I'll gain satisfaction in knowing that I hadn't let an expired meat product go to waste.Human burst of sunshine in subway station: In the dark tunnels of the subway station, it'll be me you

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1149987154853647132006-06-10T17:41:00.000-07:002006-06-10T17:52:34.990-07:00

Phillip Morris, take me away!

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1148526278245908992006-05-24T19:28:00.000-07:002006-05-24T20:14:06.016-07:00

Hold my hand, morons, and I will take you on a wondrous tour revealing the hidden treasures of my recent Disneyland essay. Thank you especially, anonymous moron, for encouraging me to “plz” correct all the “errors” that I posted. I knew that if I mentioned Hong Kong Disneyland in the title of my essay, I would surely awaken the patriotic spirit of my fellow nationals. If you thought for a

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1148430143076301972006-05-23T17:18:00.000-07:002006-05-23T19:43:18.843-07:00

Working for a not-for-profit organization means that the organization does not profit and you, the employee, profits not, as well (or at all! har har har). The other night at a benefit dinner, I encountered a couple of socially insultated engineers who were still rather unschooled about charitable organizations, one asking if we non-profiting employees received bonuses for securing extra grants.

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7841734.post-1147050400983042452006-05-07T17:35:00.000-07:002006-05-07T18:56:09.273-07:00

More about filming on location from someone who's often finds herself on location in Downtown Los Angeles:Usually I just want to quickly get around the production crew and be at work on time. Last Wednesday, however, I cared no longer for my job when I found myself immortal in front of a bluescreen. I had approached the area with a mental map, weaving through the extras, squeezing by the crowd

Sylvia C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10275184963415535796noreply@blogger.com1