Would you be my friend if I...

• asked you to tie my sad and uncool shoes?
• told you I walked into the voting booth and was confused about how the hole punching stuff worked on my ballot so I just did whatever?
• eagerly took your business card so that I could finally complete my house o' cards?
• snobbishly remarked that the words "Rob Thomas" don't exist in my vocabulary?
  
• ate small children (especially the ones who don't run fast)?
• compiled these lists in my head at work so that there was no room left for work-related information? (C'mon, that's what tomorrow is for!)
• Poppycock!--made poppycock the new cool expression for teens?
  
• told you, look, I really need a friend and I accept that I'm uncool but you seem to be open-minded so why don't we give it a try and if it doesn't work out I'll buy you some new flip flops because yours are looking pretty ratty?