MEDIOCRITY IS SAFE
And safety comes first.
Monday, May 31
That I like.
What I don't like is the lazy ambiguity of the slogan--something only a word-stroking wanker like myself would notice. "Click It or Ticket"--the imperative mood of the former setting off the negative condition of the indicative latter leaves me screaming for the sure clarity found in names like the National Highway...something Administration.
Friday, May 21
"Of course," I said.
"I ripped a pair of jeans on a computer once and-"
"Did you instantly feel cooler?"
YES--turn to next page for a miracle.
NO--turn to page 7 for more IT conversations that go nowhere.
Monday, May 3
Thursday, September 17
Wednesday, July 22
Tuesday, July 21
Monday, July 20
Tuesday, July 14
Saturday, July 4
And you will hang on now, reading for the prize at the end of the post: a statement of wit, wisdom, weirdness, and, you know, alliteration.
Sunday, April 12
(Hello again. I can't get into the Twitter thing.)
Wednesday, December 31
Wednesday, October 29
I was thinking for Halloween I’d just be myself. What do you think? Too boring? At least I won’t look like a cheap costume for Halloween. At least I won’t be screaming, “Hey, I shopped at the makeshift Halloween Costume Depot with the rest of the loser adults who want to look either clever or theatrically slutty on Friday!” I’m going to be myself for Halloween. I’m going to be a candy-pitching bitch who will walk around in her normal corner-whore clothes and tell the cops, “Hey, you can’t arrest me! This is my theatrically slutty costume for Halloween!”
Tuesday, October 7
One Reason: She is related to them.
Another: She is no longer in high school with them.
What she learned from this isn't that it was a bad idea to sign up for an open-to-anyone social networking site. What she learned was what breeders her classmates turned out to be!
Please note that I have wised up and changed my privacy settings on Facebook, so don't bother trying to become my friend. I already have over 20.
Friday, September 19
Wednesday, August 13
Tuesday, July 29
"What the hell are you doing?," shouted a nearby co-worker from under her desk.
"C'mon, Marilyn, I know the drill! I was born and raised in California!," I shouted back.
"You're supposed to take cover under your desk and cover your neck!," she exclaimed.
"That's old school! Too many spinal injuries. Stop, drop, and roll is where it's at these days!," I yelled back.
"You're crazy! That's for fires!," she said.
"Fire extinguishers are for fires. I'm rolling to avoid falling objects in an earthquake!," I explained.
The conversation lasted long after the earthquake stopped. Ol' Marilyn later huddled around the water cooler with some other office workers and laughed about my earthquake preparedness. Whatever. I know what I'm doing.
Monday, June 16
When I was a kid, I knew another kid who peeled dried glue off his fingers and kept the scraps in a stolen interoffice envelope that said "Property of Robert Elementary School".
I also knew a girl who didn't know what Single File Line meant.
I knew a kid who stole caterpillars from the classroom science station and tried to grow 'em in his own room. When they died, he returned them to the classroom and none of us kids were ever able to believe that butterflies could emerge miraculously from a pile of dead worms.
I knew a bunch of undeserving brats who got a boatload of cool shit during the holidays, and it sucked. All I ever got from Santa was a boot in the face and a ride down a red slide at the mall. Oh, and a freakin' candy cane if my parents bought 5" x 7"s from the pimply elves!