And safety comes first.

Sunday, August 6

Grade 2: More Writing Topics to Test

Thanks to the Write Source website, my creative juices flow like spilled milk over which I will not cry because I am stoic! Allow me to test some of their Grade 2 topics:

My new friend: I met my new friend Patty while we were washing our hands in the classroom sink with that hard grainy pink and white soap. I remarked at how disgusting her fingernails were and asked if she was accustomed to eating with those fingernails. Patty told me to mind my own fucking business and asked if I was done with the sink yet, because my fat ass was taking up a lot of space. She’s not really my friend. I don’t ask bitches to be my friends.

How to make new friends: I’ve found that to successfully make new friends, you have to keep your opinions to yourself, wash your hands at the speed of light, and have a small ass. Patty, you’re a bitch.

Something funny that happened to me: Long ago, and oh so far away…

What I like about math: I don’t like a goddamn thing about math. This writing topic sucks! What do I like about math? What do I like about math?! What do I like about having a nervous breakdown and being sent to the nurse's office before a math final? Not a goddamn thing, my friend!

Friday, August 4

Testing Writing Topics

Thanks to the Write Source website, my creative juices flow like blood from a serious head injury! Allow me to test some of their Grade 1 topics:

A special birthday: When I was seven I told my parents I wanted a pony for my birthday, but I'd never seen a pony in my life. I was a little girl with no originality: my classmates all wanted ponies, so I thought, What the hell, give me a pony. On the day of my birthday, my parents got me a grey cat and called it a pony. I believed it to be a pony and told all my classmates that I did in fact get a pony for my birthday. All the little girls in my class wanted to come see my pony, so one Saturday I had a pony party. I put a saddle on my grey cat and Classmate Joanne crushed my cat to death with her sorry ass. I regretted making such a big deal about my pony-cat.

Friendly places: The Gap is a friendly place. The workers always greet me even though I rush past them to the clearance section. No one seems to judge me for shopping in the bargain section. No one.

I'd like to see...: Yes, after seeing a lot of things in life, I'd really like to keep seeing. Going blind now wouldn't be easy.

The biggest thing I ever saw: *sigh*

Picnic fun I like to make . . .: I like to crack open a huge watermelon and watch the scout ants come. Then I take three or four of them hostage and see what I can negotiate with the queen ant. An hour later, the entire colony will band together and haul out an entire sheet cake in tiny crumbs and lumps from within their intricate lair in order to get their scout ants back. Ant picnics are fun for me.

What if toys could talk? If toys could talk, Pixar would make a hell of a lot of money.

I rode on a . . .: I rode on a wild reindeer and crashed into a tree. I don't celebrate the story of Santa anymore.